I actually take notes… [Birdemic]

So I thought that it might be quite fun to just share how I take notes because reading them back to myself, they’re just bizarre. I was also planning to get on to YouTube at some point, so these notes are also geared towards that maybe some time in the future. But if you ever feel like watching Birdemic, you can read along with my lovely notes. Enjoy.

The Birdemic

  • Stupid intro music loop for fucking 3:40. Kill myself plz
  • Driving around different locations is apparently production value?
  • 1:50 stupid credit fonts and dutch angle? You can hear the guy fiddling with the camera!!??
  • ROBOT. “I’ll be right back with you” Can you be more stilted please? Probably not.
  • 5:15 girl can’t chew. Subtle perving by Rod. NOT
  • ROBOT. Yeah of course they went to the same school…? HOW
  • 6:50 walking away shot ripe for parody – Just a ridiculous shot of girl walking off for too fucking long. “I was wondering if we could keep in contact…”
  • SUCH AS SEALS 7:40 – why is she so low down?
  • 8:10 mundane bullshit set to jovial music. We love to watch Rod drive… slowly… no detail of his journey is missed…….. And why does the music have to fucking loop all the shitting time.
  • 11:00 – 50% discount is shite. $1million deal? He could have made $2million!!! What a tool.
  • 11:35 – fashion shoot is poor. Nice PJs. Worst lit shoot ever.
  • Dream MODOLS?
  • Everything is going toooooo well for everyone. I guess maybe it offsets the trauma to come…birds
  • “OK bye Christine… CA……” they don’t believe in a second take.
  • “I think you’ll look GREAT in those lingerie.” – I’m liking how he looks at the business card for ages then dials. It’s like I’m really there….
  • Shot, reverse shot, rinse, repeat.
  • YESSSSSSssssssssss…………. Shshhh….
  • 15:18 – terribly awkward time-lapse cutting.
  • MY character is that I like money and sex… because sex is money and sex is sexy sex
  • Hi, my name is Jerry Owens…. FUCK YOURSELF MOVIE. If we see Rod do everything, why the hell didn’t we see him make the appointment with Jerry Owens??? This is the first I’ve heard of Jerry Owens. I’m just rambling now because they’re still talking about solar panels.
  • I’M A SALESMAN – “Is there any way we can lower the price?” $1000 off. GREAT deal. Fuck me, Rod.
  • They eat Vietnamese, so naturally there needs to be shitty Asian style music playing. Nice terribly lit restaurant. It’s so intimate that I can’t even fucking see you! – it’s like a scene from The Birds.
  • Yeah, he really fits the sales and marketing role much better because of his… WINNING PERSONALITY.
  • Family? Kids?AAAAAAALEX the cat. LET ME SEE IT!!! – Simpsons cat lady joke anyone? Rod’s also super pushy and jealous, but Bagh can’t show emotion so he come across a bit like Hal from 2001…. What a creeper.
  • 22:30 – do birds eat trees? Specifically eagles. Do eagles eat treeeees? I hasten to add that these are the first ‘birds’ we get to see as well… Ugh.
  • 24:10 – Can’t I come in? (For a sweet shag of course). He actually sounds genuinely disappointed at being turned away. Best acting in the movie so far. Also… if she’s only visiting the area, why does she have an apartment there?…… You make not the sense.
  • Her mum is the best actor so far. She’s just a sweet lil’ thang.
  • He IS trying to get something from you though. Sweet PUSS.
  • What’s the new GIG. Does the GIG pay well. Sweet GIG. FUCK GIG GIGIGIGIGIGIUGHIUHGUHGHIUHGVUOGD;ohiLNWEf’aipwo. Give me a gig.
  • 27:30 – “What does it sound like I’m doing?” Legitimately? Nothing…
  • 28:23 – the boardroom scene. Genius clapping and SUCH poor cutting. And the music cuts with it. Fucking glorious ineptitude.
  • It’s a plug-in hybrid. It gets 100 mpg. Isn’t the ENVIRONMENT so ENVIRONMENT. The way he says “It’s gonna be fun” just perfectly nails the movie. No. It’s not going to be fun, you dunce. No acting is here in ever anything. Kill me.
  • You know.. SENSUAL WORK. Lol jk fuck me. An Inconvenient truth?… yeah he actually said sensual work.
  • Gimme $10million from this shiiiitttttt powerpoint, bitches. 32:20. Isn’t mass solar that place in fallout NV?… probs not. Yeah that’s Helios One… idiot. And how the hell did he get the patent so quickly? Isn’t this less than a week after he met Jerry Owens and his company got bought out?…. wtF WTFFFFFFFFF
  • This is revolutionary greentech. Fancy words mean shit. He shat this revolution out in less than a bollocks week. And now he wants ALLLL the money.
  • 34:30 – so they actually go to a local pumpkin festival to film because it happened to be there. PRODUCTION VALUE – see, really it’s the fat kid from Super 8 making this movie. Nah, he’d make a better movie. This entire scene is POINTLESS.
  • WHERE ARE MY BIRDS????????????????
  • 37:20 – the beach is too much for the shit mic. GET A BETTER ONE.
  • Fake bird might be infectious or some ass.
  • 41:00 – welcome to the world’s emptiest bar. Just makes the chemistry betwe… I mean… LACK of chemistry between them all the more bloody obvious. Spank my ass, sweet chica.
  • Yeah because he’s not just into her for her looks at alllll…. He just seems like a fucking saint because his friend is a sex pest devil. And his start-up HAS been going for literally a week. He must be… quite the salesman………………………………………….. FUCK ME
  • HANGIN OUT. HANGIN OUT. HANGIN OUT WITH MA FAMILY. HAVIN OURSELVES A PARTAAAAAAYYYYYY. Dad dancing. And she’s clearly fucking about and trying to make him laugh here. Unsuccessfully. Maybe because he IS a robot.
  • 44:45 – “What do you think?” – His reaction is pricelss. The most wooden shit put to film. “YOU LOOK DIVINE.”
  • Dirty feet?
  • Far too many establishing shots of NOTHING pre-birds.
  • Obnoxious birds sound like planes?? WHYYYYYYY. Why do they explode. JAMES NGUYEN IS WEIOJRFJNHBUYDHUJSI
  • WHAT IN THE WORLD??!?!?!?!?!? 48:30 – looking at the curtains? How do you know what’s out there? ZOOM on Rod.
  • Ramsay MAY be the best character. STOP TALKING OVER ME BECKY YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
  • Use these to….. (audio cut) excuse me, to what? Didn’t catch that.
  • Bird audio at 51:38 is fucking sweeeeet. Damn birds scratched the van… WHY does Ramsay have so many guns?
  • “There’s dead people by the side of the road. Let’s see if there’s any survivors…”……. DEAD PEOPLE. THEY’RE DEAD
  • 54:30 – we got Bourne level shaky cam here. And just regular run of the mill traffic on the roads who are clearly so terrified that they’re totally calm.
  • THANK YOU. THANKS. Girl randomly has a PSP. And whoever said children can’t act… fuck this shit.
  • 57:35 – homage to The Birds eyeless scene?
  • Seriously, take a moment to try and summarise the ACTUAL plot of this movie. Fucking nuts.
  • 59:00 – why do they stop and eat in the open. BIRDS??????
  • Oh look, an old guy on the bridge. Dr. Jones (YES? TLC) – He must be significant because the plot requires everyone they meet to be… or die. So the birds have bird flu? I guess that’s the ‘pandemic’ in Birdemic. So what the FUCK does global warming have to do with literally anythiiiiiiiing??? And now they’re prehistoric biiiirrrrddsssssssssssssss??? WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
  • Dr. Jones makes no sense – “So you’re saying it’s global warming?” “No”… then he goes on to say that in fact, yes. Yes it is. Might as well have just called him Dr. Bird. Or Dr. Exposition.
  • “It’s the human species that’s dangerous, menacing and terrifying…” Ref. Toy Story with Cowboys and spacemen? rendezvous with Star Command!
  • 1:03:00 – do they talk about shitting?…. Re-listen to the audio.
  • Birds look worse than Duck Hunt…. See if we can’t get that stuffed in somewhere.
  • Let’s hope neither Ramsay or Becky don’t die…. Oh… wait…
  • So Ramsay looks like he’s taking hostages off the bus… and then he’s directly responsible for 3 people dying. Twat. BIRD ACID??? Let’s slooooowly sink to the floor under the duress of bird acid. Put some epic sad music on that, you got a rival for DiCaprio on the big door.
  • 1:10:00 – shopkeeper is genuinely just some regular guy they roped in. Save some sweet cashiiish. Also, if I wanted to see kids be boring, I’d spew my own kids from my loins.
  • 1:11:45 – fat man wants gas. YOU’RE GONNA SELL ME SOME GAS NOW. What a threat. He’s going to pay you for gas at gunpoint? James Nguyen should make this his new career. Best highwayman ever. 10/10.
  • 1:15:00 – crucial tree-hugger character. ENVIRONMENT. “PEACE MAN”. Trees are his family – Cyprus potato man? Mountain lion to end the scene… because they literally had nothing better.
  • 1:18:50 – terrible fire effects.
  • So her friend actually lives in a lighthouse?…. Too bad she’s fucking dead with the pervert. This must be the sensual work.
  • 1:21:40 – “If we’re lucky, someone might drive by…” – listen close. Someone DOES indeed drive by, according to the hastily cut audio.
  • Smoke seaweed everyday.
  • “I caught a fish” – You can JUST about hear him from the distance.
  • “I’ve got some seaweed” – sexy face. Shove Barry White over that shit (Never gonna give you up).
  • 1:27:20 – bird flying into the car might be the best effect in the movie. It’s still awful.
  • Suddenly birds make… dove noises? And movie ends…. They just fly off. Piece of shit fucking birds.
  • You can’t even hear the last line. Perfect end to this piece of ASS.

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